god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
