I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I want a musical about memes.
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