First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
