She went from zero to smokin in five shots
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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