Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
