I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
