My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
