I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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