just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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