from now on my penis is your penis
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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