Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
