It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
