If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
