last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
