I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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