apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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