When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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