im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
