just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
