Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
you had me at cake vodka
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
