where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
