i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
