Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
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