im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
