WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
