youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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