My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
