Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
