is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
