I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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