alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
