put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
