True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
