I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
