No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
