I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
