Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
