I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
