I think I won the penis lottery.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
