I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
