So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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