why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
