If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
