i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
