if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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