i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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