i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
