Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
