Who wears a wallet chain?!
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
