I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
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