The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
