I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
