Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Every concussion has its silver lining
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
